There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
