I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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