I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
