shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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