I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just cropdusted the office
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I need water and some morals
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
