just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
