I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
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Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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