ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
