you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Vodka?
Forever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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