well I can't set my house on fire every night
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
