He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
