Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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