it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
