Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
