I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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