I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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