Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
