Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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