The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
