is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
