I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
