Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Randomize
