Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
