Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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