oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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