I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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