if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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