Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
