my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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