His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
