i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
