I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
