just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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