This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
