I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
