I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
