Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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