have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
