I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
