I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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