she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
