FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
