Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
