I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My vagina is very pro this idea
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