WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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