Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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