I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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