shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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