she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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