dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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