We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
