when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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