It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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