There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just pee around me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
