so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
