You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
