the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
God, I missed his penis.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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