So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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