theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
